After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by the ground crews. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident with their aircraft.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.
Problem: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200 fpm (foot per minute) descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're for.
Problem: VOR inoperative.
Solution: VOR always inoperative in "off" mode.
Problem: Suspect crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Soultion: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem: Navigation radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed navigation radar with lyrics.
Problem: Mouse in cockpt.
Solution: Cat installed.
Problem: Noise coming from under intrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.
